"Interview on Writing and Therapy with Marla Morley of Facets E-Magazine" |
||
Marla: Your book is subtitled A Crossdresser Comes of Age. Do you still identify with that label? Alice: Yes, I do, Marla, especially in responding to people who simply want to know whether I’m part-time or full-time. I haven’t transitioned, nor ever intend to, so from a social standpoint I don’t believe I’ve earned the right to identify as transsexual. From a personal standpoint, which I only bother my best t-buddies with, I see myself as a started-out-straight MTF, a category which for me includes everyone from deeply closeted men to extremely stealthy trans women, and numerous out-and-proud folks at all points in-between. Marla: How has the transgender community received your book? Alice: Very well, I’m pleased to report after investing three days a week of heart and soul into it for five years. After just one year on the market, Alice in Genderland reached sales numbers needed to place it among the TG classics. By my last promotional trip, it seemed everyone already knew who I was, loved—or hated—my book, and had proudly passed it on to their friends. I was thrilled to see that my message had reached more people than I’d imagined—even if some hadn’t paid for it. ;-) I haven’t had the chance to attend many conventions since then, though, and have encountered far more readers by email. Mercifully, most have had quite kind things to say. Marla: What have been the most common responses from readers? Alice: One of the most surprising things is how often I hear, “Oh my god, you’ve written my story, even the parts no one knows. Thank you.” I appreciate feedback like that, for I really aimed to give adventurous crossdressers like me a voice we’ve never had. Marla: What motivated you to pour so much into Alice in Genderland? Alice: I was really on a mission to be the first person to publish the memoir of a crossdresser, as opposed to a transsexual or drag queen. This was something that just plain didn’t exist when I set out to write in 2000, with perhaps a few small exceptions, like Bert and Lori, a relatively unknown book by a mysterious professor who never set foot outside his home in a dress. Marla: Your book has been praised—and criticized—for its honesty and candor. Have you ever regretted writing so openly about your experiences and feelings? Alice: I’ve been surprised by how badly some of the criticism has hurt, but I guess after five years gestation, this book had become my baby. But once I started to write my coming-of-age story, I wasn’t going to fill it with comforting half-truths and carefully-packaged press releases. Such public relations is vital to a besieged community like ours, and fortunately it existed in many forms in 2000, without me having to write it. It’s just not the kind of person I am and nor what I most deeply value. My message to any TG who cares to listen is and will always be, Whatever you’ve done, whatever you’ve feared, whatever you’ve felt that doesn’t fit in with the rest of who you’re supposed to be, I’m right there with you and it’s okay. Marla: During your coming out process, you sought out TG social groups—first in New England, then in Chicago, and finally in Los Angeles. Do you think there is still a need for TG groups in the age of the Internet? Alice: For this, I really must draw more on my experience with TGs currently coming out than my own ancient experiences in the early 90s. It seems to me that newbies these days turn to the Internet for what were the two most vital functions of the groups: trans-positive information and peer contact/support. Still, it’s never the same as dressing up and meeting face to face. TG groups and conventions offer the easiest, most secure environments for that. Marla: In your book, you make an intriguing argument that not being able to pass forces you to grow as a person. Could you elaborate on that? Alice: I’ve known a number of young transsexuals who’ve always passed or older crossdressers who seem convinced they do. I’ve also seen how these folks can remain narrow-minded and vulnerable to having their bubble burst later on. A trans person who doesn’t pass can’t kid herself about whether she’s a minority member, and, in the eyes of some, a freak. By necessity, such a person learns to validate herself regardless of the vibe around her and to feel for others who have to deal with being different in other ways. Personally, I’m convinced that my being a non-passing crossdresser is what makes me more sensitive as a human being and psychiatrist. Marla: You describe how you came out to most of your family members and some of your co-workers. Do you think you will ever come out to your kids? Alice: I look forward to sharing the whole of who I am with my kids someday. But my wife, Melissa, has always had strong feelings about me coming out to them, and I ultimately agreed to her approach: “Only tell the kids when they’re old enough to handle it.” Our kids are now nine and ten and this approach has worked well so far. They see me as a dad with a little extra passion for fashion, and we’ve been able to raise them from the start with GLBT awareness and a spirit of acceptance. I do envy the way my daughter hovers around Melissa when she’s getting ready to go out, but I’m not sure that would have become a reality for me even if I had come out to her. Marla: What do you think is a good age at which to tell children that their parent is transgender? Alice: I don’t think there is any right age to tell children you’re transgendered. There are just too many individual factors involved, like how often Dad dresses up and where the whole process is heading, what he hopes to gain by coming out, who the child is, and how he or she is doing at the time. To me the whole question feels like “When do you tell your child you’re getting divorced?” It’s going to be jarring news for that boy or girl at any time. But should you hang in there unhappily for the next ten years? And what are the effects of that on a child? These are all difficult questions with no hard, fast answers. Marla: In your book you describe having several t-girl mentors who guided you and helped you discover your path. Do you enjoy being a mentor to others? Alice: I really enjoyed mentoring my friend Lilly back in the late 90s, and our friendship is still strong and fun today. Since then, I haven’t done nearly as much mentoring as Lilly and others pals have. Between being a husband and father with a busy psych. practice and a large writing project on the side, I no longer had the time to take on any fledglings. I’m okay with that, though, because I and my closest friends believe that everyone should give in a way that works for them. Marla: What is the most important advice you would give to someone just starting her journey? Alice: Don’t assume that one grand look inward can tell you if you’re a CD or TS. Instead go out and put your heels to the ground and do something fun. If you like that, then try shaving your legs, or something else transformative. If that sits well with you and the people in your life, take your transition and transformation further. You’re only goal is to get a body and life that works for you, be it pure CD or post-op TS or anything in–between. Marla: As a psychiatrist, you’ve worked with many transgender patients. In your experience, what do most crossdressers seek from therapy, and how are their therapeutic objectives different from those of TS women? Alice: Most of the time, people decide ahead of time whether they are crossdressers or transsexuals and come to therapy with polar opposite agendas. Crossdressers typically come in looking to cure or control their womanly urges. Transsexuals often come to therapy to obtain a letter for surgery and try to get through it as quickly and affordably as they can. What many of either ilk miss is just how useful therapy in dealing with any significant shake-up. It can give you an inner compass and help you adapt as best you can. Marla: Do you have any advice on how to find a good therapist? Alice: Like looking for any professional, I would go with chain of referral. Specifically I would go with friends who seem roughly similar to you and see who they’ve had good experiences with. If you don’t have a network like that, you could start with an Internet search or local TG referral list and check out two or three therapists on your own before settling in with one.
 |